Monday, May 16, 2011

N IS FOR...

N is for Nope...Not Me...I Never Said That...Nuh-Hu.

In the list of things I can't remember ever having said, the first one is:
Boy, I miss track!

When I was growing up, we had to wear those one-piece blue bloomer outfits to gym. Do you have any idea what chubby Jewish polkehs (thighs) look like in those things? Dear God in my next life could I please have thick hair and thin thighs?

And, if God forbid, you had to go to the bathroom, you had to undo all those buttons and sit half naked on the toilet hoping no one would open the stall door by mistake and see you in all your glory.

Now the gentile kids in my class they were heroes. They could jump over a pole, and run around the school and probably climb the outside of the building if the gym teacher wanted. The rest of us descendants of Abraham hopped, skipped and jumped and maybe once in a while we got to the sandy part.

Bubbie Channah went to parent-teacher's day and purposely asked to speak to the gym teacher. Here is the conversation as she told it to me.
SHE: Hello, you are the gym teacher?
HE: Yes.
SHE: Perhaps you could explain to me these low grades my children received in gym?
HE: I...I...
SHE: I sent you two world-class athletes and these are the grades you gave them?
HE: You are Mrs. Pasikov, David and Marallyn's mother, aren't you?
SHE: Yes!
And then she laughed all the way to to the parking lot. No one messed with Bubbie Channah!

Number two:
Where is she stabled?


Horses are nice. Hoppalong Cassidy had one. Gene Autry had one. Calamity Jane had one. I had one once...for a couple of hours one terrible day.

Every summer all the kids who were still in town went to Camp Yomee Day Camp at the Jewish Center. We had a hellova grand time. Every day we met at around nine and did all kinds of great stuff till four when our parents came to pick us up and bring us home.

I started as a camper, then junior counselor, then senior counselor, then assistant camp director. That's where I met Sharon the mystical-shymistical lady we imported from Montreal. Sharon is/was a Registered Nurse and that summer she was Camp Nurse! We met, bonded, fell in love and are still amazed at how lucky we are.

Well, one year, some idiot...I mean camp director, decided to take the camp out for a special day. So off we all went to Yakky Bush HORSE BACK RIDING!

Do you know how tall those things are? Have you any idea how big their teeth are never mind their feet....I mean hooves?

Bad enough to be out in the Bush with all the mosquitoes and rattle snakes and scorpions and vampires...there were horses...lots of horses...just waiting for these chubby Jewish kids to climb up with their Semitic polkehs and ride off into the sunset.

Here's the conversation:
HE: Mrs. Pasikov, how are you?
SHE: What's wrong?
HE: Marallyn needs a change of underwear and slacks.
SHE: She pished in her pants? She's thirteen!
HE: No, but the horse was too broad for her and when she sat down on the saddle she split her pants and underwear!
SHE: Oh, God. I'm on my way!

Number three:
No, thanks, I've had enough chocolate.


My husband and I are Jack and Mrs. Spratt. He hates sweets and I can't get enough of them. When Bubbie Channah was in the hospital dying, I couldn't eat food. All I could eat were potato chips and chocolate.

But, not just any chocolate. NAY NAY. After a lengthy research, I discovered that my chocolate of choice was Snickers. And not one. NAY NAY. It took six of them. One after the other before I had enough caffeine   or cocoa or whatever it is that scratched the itch that was driving me crazy.

For any of you who are interested, Snickers is better than everything else except Turtles...nothing is better than Turtles. If they had Turtles in Israel, I betcha I could have eaten six boxes...maybe seven since seven is my newest favourite number.

Here are some of my favourite chocolate expressions:
Every time I say the word 'gym', I rinse my mouth out with chocolate.
Chocolate is better than a psychologist and you don't have to make an appointment.
Chocolate is God's way of compensating for Mondays.
Fourteen out of ten people like chocolate.
If you get melted chocolate on your hands, you are eating too slowly.
If there's no chocolate in heaven, I'm not going.
Save the earth. It's the only planet with chocolate.
Money may talk, but chocolate sings.
Nobody knows the truffles I've seen.

Have a great day...stay safe...and thanks for dropping in.

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