IF ARIEL SHARON WOKE UP

I recieved an interesting email yesterday from my friend Dani in Tel Aviv. I'm going to try and translate it from the Hebrew.

Tel HaShomer Hospital,on a rainy evening.
Shmil, was the lucky one to pull this shift watching over Ariel Sharon.
Everyone knows he's no longer the Prime Minister, except for Ariel, himself.
Shmil is just sitting there peeling an orange. The security guard is asleep in the corner.
Suddenly, the equipment in the room begins to hum and ring...lights flash!
The Prime Minister is waking up!

'Haven't slept like that in a long time,' he says. 'Boychik, get a hold of Adler for me. I have a couple of new ideas to run by him.'

'Good evening, sir,' Shmil says. 'How do you feel?'
'Starving! Where am I?'

The security guard continues to sleep in the corner of the room while Shmil answers his question.

'Nu so you got screwed into staying here tonight with your Prime Minister, eh?'
'I'm sorry to be the one to tell you, but you're no longer Prime Minister.'

After a couple of uncomfortable moments, Arik asks,'So who took my place?'
'Ehud Olmert.'
'Olmert? That Jerusalem idiot? What does he know? What will happen if a war breaks out? He doesn't know how to lead the army! Lucky that Shaul is still there.'

'Shaul Mofaz is Transportation Minister.' Shmil explains.
'So who is in charge of security?'
'Peretz.'
'That old man is still alive?'
'No, not Peres...Peretz...Amir Peretz.'Shmil whispers.

'What? Are you crazy? I close my eyes for a second and you let the head of the Histadrut take over the security of the country? Listen, boychik, get a hold of my son Omri, he'll take care of things.'

'Sorry, sir. Omri is on his way to prison.'
'Prison?!? Over that stupid thing? I don't believe it!I need my lawyer and quick. Get Dori Klagsblad on the phone.'

'Klagsblad is on the way to jail like Omri,' explained Shmil. 'He was in a car accident. Wasn't paying attention and killed a young mother and her little son.'

'Then get me Itzhaki. Avigdor always knew how to take care of things.'
'Sir. Itzhaki is under suspicion for illegal tax practises. He took care of things a bit too well.'

'Can't be! I know Avigdor! Get me the head of the police.'
'Sorry, sir but he's busy with the investigation.'

'Of course he is. He's a policeman.'
'No, sir, he himself is being investigated.'

Sharon takes a deep breath. 'How is it possible that our entire judicial system got so messed up? We have to get these two out of trouble. Call Tsachi, the Minister of Internal Affairs.'
'Tsachi Hanegbi isn't Minister any more. There are too many written accusations against him.'

'So who is Minister of Justice? Who did Olmert appoint?'
'Haim Ramon.'
'So get him!'
'Sorry, sir. He's being investigated for sexual harrassment and resigned.'

'What!? Never mind. Lets cut some corners, call Katzav. He's still President, no?'
'Sorry, sir. He's being investigated for rape and for illegal wiretapping.'

'That Katzav. I always felt he stood too close to you when he spoke. Listen, the situation is really terrible. I need the head of the Army...Get me the Commander in Chief. Bogy...eh sorry, Chalutz. He's ok, right?'

'There's something about...never mind it isn't criminal. The problem is about losing the latest war with Lebanon.'
'But, he was only a pilot.'
'I said the second Lebanon War. You were sleeping, remember? We, uh, how do I put this to you gently? We lost. But the Prime Minister said we should sit patiently. Maybe it will turn out to be a success yet.'

Arik gazed around him. 'Tell my boychik, what's your name?'
'Shmil, sir.'
'And what's your status here?'
'I'm an orderly, sir.'

'Orderly, eh? Listen, so do me a favor. Don't tell anyone about this conversation.'
'You can count on me, sir.'
'I'm going back to sleep. And sorry, eh?'
'You're forgiven, sir.'

NOW FOR A TRUE STORY:
New Year's eve, 1991. I get a phone call from my friend Jack (AH) informing me that they have a pancreas and kidney for him and he's on the way to Tel HaShomer Hosptial. I drop everything, call our friend Channah and the three of us go to the hospital.

Jack was in surgery for hours. And hours. We sat there waiting until he was taken to intensive care.

Every day or so Channah and I travelled to the hospital to visit Jack. The doctors finally told us that Jack was fighting coming out of the anesthetic and they decided, that in order to protect the transplants, they were going to keep him under for a few more days.

A few more days turned into almost two weeks. At that point the doctors had no choice but to force him awake.

Just as he was coming to, the air raid sirens went off. Tel Aviv was under attack. The Gulf War. As per instructions the entire hospital staff put on their gas masks. Davka, at exactly that moment Jack woke up.

'Dead. I'm dead. And on Mars!'

It took the doctors hours to calm poor Jack down. See before he went under there was no war. There were no missiles. And no one was issued a gas mask kit.

TODAY:
Today the Americans voted in their first Muslim. Statistics show that within the next twenty years they will be able to vote a Muslim in as President of the United States.

And no one is talking. But let a few gay people want a parade and the whole world goes crazy.

Maybe Jack, G-d rest his soul, was right. Maybe we are on Mars.

Have a great day...stay safe...and thanks for dropping in.