Sunday, June 14, 2009

DEAR MR. 2000 YEAR OLD MAN

Do any of you remember Mel Brooks as the 2000 year old man? I love him. Mel Brooks. I love smart. Especially when smart doesn't hurt or make fun of anyone.

For those of you who haven't yet had the joy of listening to the 2000 year old man...don't wait...get the tapes...borrow the old records...talk to someone like me who can quote them verbatum. Sit back and enjoy the brilliance of Mel Brooks.

Carl Reiner had a list of questions...Mel Brooks didn't see them in advance. Carl asked...and Mel answered...and the rest is fireworks.

Carl: You must have had many wives.
2000 YOM: Hundreds and hundreds of wives. (all spoken in a yiddish accent as he...naturally...well you get it...2000 years ago)
Carl: Do you remember all of them?
2000YOM: I remember the third one...Shoiley...a redhead!

Carl: Did you know Paul Revere?
2000 YOM: I knew him and I hated him...anti-Semetic bastard.
Carl: What?
2000YOM: He ran around shouting, 'The Yiddish are coming! The Yiddish are coming!"
Carl: BRITISH...The BRITISH are coming.
2000YOM: Oy, and I didn't send his wife a card or anything.

And on and on and on the joy goes.

Those of us who know the skits talk them in our daily conversations. For example when I am about to hang up the phone with my brother David or my almost brother Maeshey, I'll say...'Ok. You go save France.' and the other will add, 'And I'll wash up.'

Nope. I'm not going to explain. Go...Go my children. Meet the 2000 Year Old Man.

So, why am I writing all this you may ask. One of the many bon mots of wisdom that came out of his mouth was this sentence: "WE MOCK THE THINGS WE ARE TO BE".

And today, I am ashamed to admit, that applies to me. How? Go ahead...ask me.

You know those guys who quit smoking. The ones who smoke their last cigarette and that's it. No more. Finished! Not me Bertram! I'm done Murray!

And then they begin smoking YOURS! Ahhhh. You know those guys.

Well, no I haven't started smoking again. I quit on October 4, 1994. Gained a person along the way, but I don't smoke.

Last week, I decided to quit Diet Coke. Cold turkey. No more Coke. Not for me. Instead, I am drinking water. Don't ask. Me? Water? Fish pish in there. Oy.

Now, if I would have kept my big mouth shut I would have been just fine. But, when have you ever heard of me keeping my mouth shut? I told everyone in the house that I am a new person! Saving the money...watching my health...Coke eats rust...water is wonderful...puhleeze!

In the middle of the night, I began to need a couple of swallows. Not a lot. Just a couple. I could have snuck a bottle into the house and hidden it in my room. But there is nothing more disgusting than warm Diet Coke. Trust me on this one.

I started buying seltzer. Nice. Clear. You can see through it. It does have bubbles but they don't have the right taste.

So I became one of those cigarette guys. I now only drink Diet Coke when I go out with my friends. There I drink Coke with my meal.

I think it is something like having a kosher house but eating treif in a restaurant. My house is kosher...my stomach isn't. I always thought that if my daughter-in-law knew what I ate she'd never let me kiss the babies again. Oy!

My next step is to drink water in the restaurants too. So far I've failed the restaurant test.

But, don't give up on me. There is hope yet. Every time I fill my little empty Coke bottle with water I feel righteous. As I drink and pish I feel thin.

Ah Mr. 2000 Year Old Man. How did you get so smart?

Shavuah tov.

Have a great day...stay safe...and thanks for dropping in.

1 Comments:

At 8:44 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Well, I'm not real familiar with Mel Brooks, but I'm very familiar with diet drinks.

I have a friend (used to work in a mortuary) who once told me diet drinks do to the body what formaldehyde does to a corpse! Ooooooo YUK!!!

I now drink water and LOVE IT!! Makes my skin look younger too. Yea!

Thought this might help with your restaurant experience. Lolololol.

Luv ya,
Chavaleh

 

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